ADHD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety HELL

Since I was a small child, I remember being clumsey, I ran into doors, I fell often, I dropped things regulary and I just didnt feel like all was well. I was unable to sit still, How many times did I get told," sit down and be still"??? I didnt like school, I liked starting a lesson but just lost interest quickly. As you probably know how this lack of attention would play out with my Grades. I was the kid that never got picked for the "race' to do math problems on the chalk board. I never finished my homework, never learned to write in cursave, couldnt remember dates or even decades that events happened through history. Face it, as a student I was a Failure. How did I get here? First my male parent was a very mean drunk, he screamed and yelled as well as beat my mother regulary, he was a newspaper guy, he dilevered papers and ran a couple of newspaper vending machines. He always had a scheme to get more business without really putting in the effort to actually work. Life was chaotic and to say the least uncomfortable to down right frightening. Ill get to more of charles Townsend later in this blog. let me leave you with a teaser of some thing that was a standout moment in my life. I have 3 sisters, I had a brother that died crib death, I dont remember much because I was only one. I was told that todd was crying in his crib the night he died, Charles kicked the leg of the crib and shouted to a few days old baby, "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FUCKER" Im sure Todd didnt know what he was saying but his tone always sent everyone into a corner hiding. He was really a bad guy. I will tell you this. He is dead and I havent shed a tear or gave a fuck about him and never will. One more before we get to the title issues of this blog. Im sure PTSD was a part of my life from a young age. My mother , my 3 sisters were at the table eating breakfast before school and day care. Mom and Charles were screaming at each other, as usual, a daily occurance in my boyhood home. I was probably 8 ish. All us kids were crying and I said, Mommy, Daddy, please dont fight!! (last time I ever called him daddy or and variation of the name) Charles reached over me and picked up my bowl of oatmeal. I cried and felt the heat of the oatmeal as he dumped the bowl upside down on my head. Again with the SHUT UP line. I was rescued by my super great grandparents, Stubby and Mommie sue. Stubby would come and pick me up every morning and take me to their house. 3201 Reeves Court in oklahoma city. there I was loved, taught right from wrong and lived a normal life. I spent more nights with them than I did at my parents house. I guess I learned how to survive by staying with my loving grandparents. As I mentioned I was clumsey, I actuall fell into a door just walking up, I hit the glass with my head and that was one of the first times to go to a hospital for stitches. I had stitches on my head many many times. Wrecked bicycles, wrecked motorcycles and mini bikes. I thought everyone did these things. I felt sad so much of the time, most of the pictures of me as a young boy dont show a smile at all. Life was just not a happy place. Mom and dad divorced and I went to live with my grandparents. I knew life was rough and I had a knife and a billy club with me all the time, not many kids 8-10 Years old carry protection but I was ready if anyone tried to hurt me. I guess Im lucky I wasant in Juvie!! The rock in my life, Stubby died. he had a battle with cancer. My male parent came to the house to see if he was able to get any money from his mother, she just lost her husband and he was trying to scam het out of money. Mommie sue was not able to afford the house and medical bills without his Post office income so she sold the house and I was wisked away from safety to a place that was foreign and dangerious. Mom moved to Texas to get away from charles, We didnt have much money and mom was at a time in her life where she liked to go to bars and drink, In those days she would leave us in the car while she was in the bar We all thought it was really cool when she would bring a drunk one night stand home with her because they always bought us donuts or some other food and we enjoyed every bite. I remember all of us kids asleep in the car till wee hours of the morning outside the bars. School was tramatic, I didnt do well so I avoided it. I skipped school, slept in class, did not participate in sports ot any extra after school activities, We didnt have money for that, didnt have a ride to and from and frankly I Just didnt like groups participation.I finally dropped out of high school and joined the US Navy. It was great to be away from all the drama, I had a place to sleep, a little money and 3 meals a day. I spent most of my paychecks on drinking and doing drugs, Throughout my life I have been sad most of the time, even today, 50 some years later there are still not alot of pictures of me with a smile. I did OK in the Navy, I became a aircraft mechanic and later Aircrew. It was exciting and stimulating, I do well when there is a lot of stimulas. most of the time I was calm and focused because of the danger and excitement. I jumped out of airplanes,went around the world and saw nore than I probably ever needed to see. One thing that was always present was the deep feelings of dread and hurt. I was able to battle thise demonds with alcohol. Beer was 25 cents and cigaretts were 5 Cents a pack on base in Guam. Alcohol and drugs numed the pain and helped me function. somewhat. I still run into walls, hit myself with car doors, fall down or trip on the smallest crack. I am clumsey and drop things everyday. I learnrd how to survive, I would do something really great and then I would sabatoge that success with something stupid. I was in trouble alot, Most of the time it was alcohol or drug related, I drank, smoked weed, took any pills I could find and did my best to kill the demonds that were making me hurt. I had very little remorse in general, I saw men die, aircraft crashes, burnt bodies and generally shit no one should ever see, I didnt shed a tear, didnt care that a friend or ship mate had died. I just deadened the feelings. Nothing really shocked me or caused me to fear anything or anyone. When normal people meet someone they somehow imprint theit "humanness" on each other. My thoughts are more along the lines of: If this guy fucks me over how will I retaliate and take him down. I size up everyone I meet, weather its an introduction or a random stranger in subway,My first thought is, what is the weak point if I need to bring someone down physically. Fast fwd from 1965 to 2022. Not much has changed, I dont make friends easily, I dont give anyone a second chance and I dont feel joy and Happiness most of the time. I am depressed for so many reasons, I have anxiety that is cripling, ADHD and memory loss are front and center to my struggles. In 2004 we lost our son to a tragis, avoidable accident, He was crushed by a large motor home at the goodyear tire store in Granbury Texas, The owner was a terrible alcoholic and all he saw was dollar signs and not safety of his employees, he sent my son to change a tire on a RV weighyng in excess of 50,000 pounds with a 3 ton jack. The jack collapsed under the weight and crushed my son. I thought I was having a heart attack in april of 2005, i went to the hospital. My heart was fine but the heart doc helped me understand how being fat, lazy, smoking and drinking was killing me. I stopped drinking and smoking that day in april 2005. I am sad about Trevors loss, of course, I have an empty hole in my sole. I lost a part of me. I cope and try to maintain, However, I have planned, revised, added to and formulated the perfect revenge for the store owner getting my son murdered. Matter of fact I have thought about how it would not be a bad thing for many people that have wronged me to disappear. I have lost 2 jobs in 3 years. I cant focus and cant remember what I was doing a short period of time ago. I am sure its anxiety and stress related. ADHD makes it teribly hard to be productive for any length of time. In future blogs I will talk about all the positives and how they are outweighed my negative destructive thoughts. My weight flucuates depending on my anxiety levels. So this is a start. I will try and add to this a little each week intil I cover all the therapies, downfalls and walls as burriers to my happiness.