ADHD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety HELL

Since I was a small child, I remember being clumsey, I ran into doors, I fell often, I dropped things regulary and I just didnt feel like all was well. I was unable to sit still, How many times did I get told," sit down and be still"??? I didnt like school, I liked starting a lesson but just lost interest quickly. As you probably know how this lack of attention would play out with my Grades. I was the kid that never got picked for the "race' to do math problems on the chalk board. I never finished my homework, never learned to write in cursave, couldnt remember dates or even decades that events happened through history. Face it, as a student I was a Failure. How did I get here? First my male parent was a very mean drunk, he screamed and yelled as well as beat my mother regulary, he was a newspaper guy, he dilevered papers and ran a couple of newspaper vending machines. He always had a scheme to get more business without really putting in the effort to actually work. Life was chaotic and to say the least uncomfortable to down right frightening. Ill get to more of charles Townsend later in this blog. let me leave you with a teaser of some thing that was a standout moment in my life. I have 3 sisters, I had a brother that died crib death, I dont remember much because I was only one. I was told that todd was crying in his crib the night he died, Charles kicked the leg of the crib and shouted to a few days old baby, "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE FUCKER" Im sure Todd didnt know what he was saying but his tone always sent everyone into a corner hiding. He was really a bad guy. I will tell you this. He is dead and I havent shed a tear or gave a fuck about him and never will. One more before we get to the title issues of this blog. Im sure PTSD was a part of my life from a young age. My mother , my 3 sisters were at the table eating breakfast before school and day care. Mom and Charles were screaming at each other, as usual, a daily occurance in my boyhood home. I was probably 8 ish. All us kids were crying and I said, Mommy, Daddy, please dont fight!! (last time I ever called him daddy or and variation of the name) Charles reached over me and picked up my bowl of oatmeal. I cried and felt the heat of the oatmeal as he dumped the bowl upside down on my head. Again with the SHUT UP line. I was rescued by my super great grandparents, Stubby and Mommie sue. Stubby would come and pick me up every morning and take me to their house. 3201 Reeves Court in oklahoma city. there I was loved, taught right from wrong and lived a normal life. I spent more nights with them than I did at my parents house. I guess I learned how to survive by staying with my loving grandparents. As I mentioned I was clumsey, I actuall fell into a door just walking up, I hit the glass with my head and that was one of the first times to go to a hospital for stitches. I had stitches on my head many many times. Wrecked bicycles, wrecked motorcycles and mini bikes. I thought everyone did these things. I felt sad so much of the time, most of the pictures of me as a young boy dont show a smile at all. Life was just not a happy place. Mom and dad divorced and I went to live with my grandparents. I knew life was rough and I had a knife and a billy club with me all the time, not many kids 8-10 Years old carry protection but I was ready if anyone tried to hurt me. I guess Im lucky I wasant in Juvie!! The rock in my life, Stubby died. he had a battle with cancer. My male parent came to the house to see if he was able to get any money from his mother, she just lost her husband and he was trying to scam het out of money. Mommie sue was not able to afford the house and medical bills without his Post office income so she sold the house and I was wisked away from safety to a place that was foreign and dangerious. Mom moved to Texas to get away from charles, We didnt have much money and mom was at a time in her life where she liked to go to bars and drink, In those days she would leave us in the car while she was in the bar We all thought it was really cool when she would bring a drunk one night stand home with her because they always bought us donuts or some other food and we enjoyed every bite. I remember all of us kids asleep in the car till wee hours of the morning outside the bars. School was tramatic, I didnt do well so I avoided it. I skipped school, slept in class, did not participate in sports ot any extra after school activities, We didnt have money for that, didnt have a ride to and from and frankly I Just didnt like groups participation.I finally dropped out of high school and joined the US Navy. It was great to be away from all the drama, I had a place to sleep, a little money and 3 meals a day. I spent most of my paychecks on drinking and doing drugs, Throughout my life I have been sad most of the time, even today, 50 some years later there are still not alot of pictures of me with a smile. I did OK in the Navy, I became a aircraft mechanic and later Aircrew. It was exciting and stimulating, I do well when there is a lot of stimulas. most of the time I was calm and focused because of the danger and excitement. I jumped out of airplanes,went around the world and saw nore than I probably ever needed to see. One thing that was always present was the deep feelings of dread and hurt. I was able to battle thise demonds with alcohol. Beer was 25 cents and cigaretts were 5 Cents a pack on base in Guam. Alcohol and drugs numed the pain and helped me function. somewhat. I still run into walls, hit myself with car doors, fall down or trip on the smallest crack. I am clumsey and drop things everyday. I learnrd how to survive, I would do something really great and then I would sabatoge that success with something stupid. I was in trouble alot, Most of the time it was alcohol or drug related, I drank, smoked weed, took any pills I could find and did my best to kill the demonds that were making me hurt. I had very little remorse in general, I saw men die, aircraft crashes, burnt bodies and generally shit no one should ever see, I didnt shed a tear, didnt care that a friend or ship mate had died. I just deadened the feelings. Nothing really shocked me or caused me to fear anything or anyone. When normal people meet someone they somehow imprint theit "humanness" on each other. My thoughts are more along the lines of: If this guy fucks me over how will I retaliate and take him down. I size up everyone I meet, weather its an introduction or a random stranger in subway,My first thought is, what is the weak point if I need to bring someone down physically. Fast fwd from 1965 to 2022. Not much has changed, I dont make friends easily, I dont give anyone a second chance and I dont feel joy and Happiness most of the time. I am depressed for so many reasons, I have anxiety that is cripling, ADHD and memory loss are front and center to my struggles. In 2004 we lost our son to a tragis, avoidable accident, He was crushed by a large motor home at the goodyear tire store in Granbury Texas, The owner was a terrible alcoholic and all he saw was dollar signs and not safety of his employees, he sent my son to change a tire on a RV weighyng in excess of 50,000 pounds with a 3 ton jack. The jack collapsed under the weight and crushed my son. I thought I was having a heart attack in april of 2005, i went to the hospital. My heart was fine but the heart doc helped me understand how being fat, lazy, smoking and drinking was killing me. I stopped drinking and smoking that day in april 2005. I am sad about Trevors loss, of course, I have an empty hole in my sole. I lost a part of me. I cope and try to maintain, However, I have planned, revised, added to and formulated the perfect revenge for the store owner getting my son murdered. Matter of fact I have thought about how it would not be a bad thing for many people that have wronged me to disappear. I have lost 2 jobs in 3 years. I cant focus and cant remember what I was doing a short period of time ago. I am sure its anxiety and stress related. ADHD makes it teribly hard to be productive for any length of time. In future blogs I will talk about all the positives and how they are outweighed my negative destructive thoughts. My weight flucuates depending on my anxiety levels. So this is a start. I will try and add to this a little each week intil I cover all the therapies, downfalls and walls as burriers to my happiness.

It looks easy on TV. my first flip house, its a ZOMBIE but I will rebuild and make this grand old dame beautiful again. zombie house

Well today is the day, I am closing on my first flip house. This property is a historic registered house in little rock. The last resident was a Dentist but more important he was a Veteran as well as one of the Tuskeegee airmen. The house is approx 2900 Sq ft. It has been vacant for years. It was built in 1919 by famous archatect Charles Thompson. Google Charles Thompson and you will see he was a very active builder, he insisted on quality. The Timber was used from the area was dense old growth pine, Cedar and Fir. all made awesome bulding materials. the 2 X 4 of that day was 2x4 and solid, straight and square. Imagine getting quality wood milled right in the neighborhood. No trudging to HD or LOs and sifting through 3=4 pallets to find one almost straight board.Needless to say, that were build well. Ill send more pics later.

This is a sneak peek of the current master bathroom, I anm going to find a way to keep this cool old 1919 tub. this was considered an upgrade to the claw foot tub of the era. Dumpster for the DEMO phase just arrived so looks like the fun will start today.cold Rainy, last day of the shitty ass 2020. "LETS ROLL'

1971 Honda first ride

1971 Honda CL350 rebuild project

A few months ago I was reading about a couple of guys that had embarked on a cross country journey on 40 year old Honda motorcycles. They had bought these old scooters and fixed them up good enough to attempt a cross country trip. As you can imagine keeping old motorcycles running with very little part or dealer support has to be a daunting task. I followed their journey with a bit of jealousy, I want to do that also.

It got me thinking, Hey I'm a pretty fair mechanic and I was a motorcycle/mini-bike enthusiast in 1970 I should find a old motorcycle. I shared my excitement with a friend and fellow rider and he promptly sent me a link from E-Bay for a "nearly complete" 1971 Honda CL350 Scrambler.The bike was literally in milk crates and cardboard boxes. My brother and I went to pick it up on the day after the now famous 2009 Oklahoma City, Christmas snow storm.

As we drove through the icy, snow covered roads I was having second thoughts about this project, was I up to it? did I really have the time or money? what makes me think I will even finish this? well second thoughts and buyers remorse soon faded as i stood looking at boxes and boxes of motorcycle parts. I had no idea how they went together. Holy shit what have I gotten myself into.

I was excited none the less, I was gonna have a vintage motorcycle for only $300. We pushed the skeleton of a bike on 40 year old dry rotted and cracked tires to the truck, I carried the engine to the truck and kept telling myself this was gonna be fun. I made notes in my head, need tires, need seat cover, rust on fender and the list of notes continued for the an hour then the next. OK maybe not a $300 motorcycle after I get everything I need but I will still have a very cool old scooter.
My brother took the frame to Tulsa along with my Dunkin Donuts coffee( another story) I took the box of engine parts and motor with me to my house. I was gonna put it together and the next weekend, go get the frame , put the engine back in the bike and go for a ride. Boy, talk about eyes bigger than your stomach. I spent a whole week just getting the 40 years of dirt and grime off the cases, I am suspecting that this bike must of had a oil leak for 20 years or so. Honda must have shared Harley technology back then.

I started on the engine, ordered new rings and gaskets and did a test on the valve seats, Low and behold problem number 1. 2 bent exhaust valves, no worries replace them with new, lap them in and all is well, so how do I get them out? Honda made a valve spring compressor so a quick call to the dealer to see if I could borrow one was met with laughs, seems the oldest mechanic at the dealer was born 15 years after this bike was made and had no idea how to remove the valves or where I could find said compressor.
Again no worries I've watched enough chopper shows to know that I can just build one. kinda looks like a big C-clamp with a doohickey (correct vintage motorcycle builders term) on the end, we finally found a clamp and put 2 open end wrenches on the spring, compressed it and then...wait for it... you guessed right, promptly watched 2 spring keepers, 2 wenches, 2 springs and a washer thingy fly in 5 different directions. you knew it was gonna happen, it always does.

We found all the pieces and took the first of the bent valves out of the head. A quick call to my parts supplier and 2 valves at $14 each were on the way. Oh wait, this is in fact a 40 year old scooter and the message from my supplier stated that the 14 dollar valves were no longer available but we could get a new and improved set for $199. I did a online search and found a low mileage head with good valves on ebay and so a new head is on the way, we all know this will work out, it is ebay.

Saturday 2 Jan.
Drove up to Tulsa with Jackie,Melissa and Ruth in tow, today was the day to bring the Honda(and my coffee)home. We arrived to a HUGE breakfast and a fresh pot of my coffee.Always good to see my brother and his family, not sure if Kris is to happy with us invading.
The streets in Tulsa were still covered with ice but we were able to get the scrambler loaded on the trailer, funny I thought it was in better shape, the doubts are really starting to sink in now, Jax reminded that I have been fixing airplanes for 30 years and an old scooter should be easy. well, see how it goes tomorrow.

Sunday 3 Jan 2010

Got started stripping the Honda down to the frame, really cold out in the garage, had to use the heat gun to warm the wires up enough so they would bend, the more parts than came off the better I felt about the build, no broken bolts or stripped screws so far. the cables are old and rusted and will need to be replaced. I removed the nut holding the forks on and poured out a quart of what smelled like cat pee and fork oil, must have been the original oil. I was able to get the frame stripped and ready for sand blast and paint. i made a list of the parts I would need and the list is not as long as I thought it would be. The cat have been sitting by the heater all day watching and from the looks on their faces I am pretty sure that if they could speak they would say I was crazy for this, or maybe they are just pissed that I am bringing this old smelly thing into their garage.

I will get the frame stripped this week and hope to have the parts I need by the weekend. I will start putting it back together then.


Sunday....
I had planned to have the scooter back together today. However a few minor setbacks have left me lacking in the build. First a major blast of arctic air has invaded Oklahoma and it it too frosty to paint, so the frame and tins are still waiting for the paint booth.

Someday when i am wealthy I will have a climate controlled shop to take care of these things.(send donations to : The Trent needs to be wealthy fund.)


We tried to bead blast some parts and found the glass beads were frozen solid, hard as a rock, a couple of minutes with a heat gun and we were back in business, got a lot of the smaller parts cleaned up and ready for paint.
I tried my best to install the new piston rings and sure enough I got a little impatient when the oil rings did not fit and POOOOING,Yep, broke a ring. Living in Ada Oklahoma(very close to the middle of nowhere)we do not have the luxury of a motorcycle shop or even reliable shipping, The Fedex "early morning" before 8am delivery happens around 1pm and give it up..nobody delivers on Saturday. so we were at the mercy of the post office. rings were supposed, yes I said supposed to be delivered Saturday, I should have known the USPS could not get a 3-5 day package to Ada in 6 days.
I even had propane heaters in the garage so Kenny and I could get the puzzle, er, Engine together and have it ready when things are ready from the paint booth. Now i know why the folks on Orange County Choppers are always pissed off, waiting for deliveries and weather are frustrating.
I am hopeful that I will get the rings, get a package with some missing parts from the previous owner and the weather will warm enough to paint. I am asking for alot but I am confident I will be riding a beautiful Scrambler come March

Ada Ok to Granbury TX,
Slipped out of work a little early to try and beat the storms,Danny yelled across the ramp asking what all the stuff I had strapped to my motorcycle, I told him that the little bag was my computer and electronic stuff, Jackie’s dad would be proud!!!! He said that he had never seen a hells angel with a computer…..
Karma, of course caught me and one of the aircraft had a problem, stopped to get the computer out and stayed in Weatherford, new hotel and very nice. Dinner at logans and a drive over to the Victory motorcycle bike night. Lots of beautiful bikes there. Of course, mine was looking good. Ride down the turnpike was a very peaceful ride, lots of hawks and even a fox.
I felt very much at peace with the world. I miss Jackie and Melissa but excited at the same time to head out on a new adventure

Granbury TX to Orange TX

Arrived in Granbury around 7:45 to meet Shan, Jerry and Ennis, we will pick up James in Hillsboro. Ride down hwy 51 was a trip down memory lane, I drove this road every day for 12 years to go to work, can’t tell you how happy I am to be in Ada, I miss our friends but my mental health has steadily improved over the last 2 years. I am finally doing what I love to do.
A little after 8 we departed on the ride. I had to run by the hotel to get a stuffed animal that my baby girl left in Granbury on our last visit. Look for the pink monkey in the pictures, if I am gonna carry this monkey all over the US then I am gonna get pictures of it and send them to Melissa.
We met up again in Cresson Texas and headed south. It was very nice to just ride, no worries no stress just riding along without a worry. I understand now why in the movie “easy rider” peter Fonda threw his watch away as he threw a leg over his scooter.
Construction on 35 caused a little frustration finding James but we finally got everyone together and headed in the same direction. Really nice roads, we stayed off of the interstate and took small state highways, still made good time but less stress. A little slice of America never hurt anyone. Ate lunch in Palestine Texas and then off to Orange.
We had to get on the interstate from Beaumont to orange(IH-10) what a night mare, the destruction from all the hurricanes was almost overwhelming, everywhere we looked there were piles of debris and ruined homes and buildings, I can liken it to the war destruction I have seen around the world. Where do people get the stregenth to get completely wiped out and still rebuild and go on, I believe that I would not have the will to continue and move to someplace safe like …..Well where is a safe place to live?
Pulled into Orange and called my old friends Lynn and Jenny, one of the strongest families you have ever seen, the girls have grown up and are so beautiful, the grand children are the age of the girls when I first met them almost 20 years ago, It was like time had returned to a different, earlier time,I miss those days
We went to eat at a Cajun Seafood house and WOW what a feast, great food and those Cajun families’ .eat, dance and laugh all the time as well as talk a little funny. I had a wonderful time. The Bridge over the Bayou was about a mile straight up, very scary. But you could see for miles and miles.
Jenny and I drove up to see Lindsey, she had to work and could not join us, she is a little cutie and has a big beautiful smile It was so good to see them all.

Orange TX TO New Orleans

Short 4 hour ride to new Orleans, pretty riding along the coast, when we arrived in NO you could just feel that it is an angry city, roads were terrible and signs hard to follow, we all got lost and by the time we finally found the Air Show it was almost over, oh well although we had planned to stay in NO for the night we got the h*ll out of there and headed to Gulfport MS, once we got east of Slidell La my mood changed again and I got back in rhythm with the universe, although the hurricanes took a lot of the houses along the coast of LA there were still tons of beauty, some of the prettiest nature I have ridden through. We rode along the beach, in the sand to Gulfport, sand was blowing and the salt air was thick, I was getting sunburned and probably look like the joker because of the smile on my face from the pretty beach. Waffle house must really be popular here we saw at least 10 in a 10 mile stretch of road. Now I want a waffle 
We found a place to stay and had dinner at the Hotel/casino, played a little craps and won enough for dinner YAHOOO. Very nice hotel and the people were top notch Enjoyed the stay.

Gulfport Ms to Pensacola fl.

No longer riding along the beach still very pretty area, sky looks threatening but as of yet we have dodged the rain. As we left Mississippi and entered Alabama we once again got lost but it was cool because we found the U.S.S. Alabama memorial. We decided to take a look, and boy am I glad we did. There was a colonel there that was a WWII POW, he had written a book about the death camps on Bataan Island in the Philippines, I highly recommend his book and you can find out more on his web site www.hellsguest.com.
The ship was very interesting and I am glad that I did not have to sail on it. It was very small compared to the ship I was on. Those boys did not have it very comfortable but I am sure that like me they have fond memories of their time on the ship. Funny how your view changes as you get older and smarter, I remember being so excited when we pulled out for a 6 month cruise the first time, I would not want to do that now. We also toured a Submarine the USS Bell…not a chance, I was closterphobic and it was on dry land.
Next we were off to Pensacola and the Beach. Rode through Pensacola and I got to thinking about all the friends that had been stationed there or went to school, wonder if Tony still lives there, riding along getting lost in thought makes you wonder what they are doing now, Tony was the last one I knew that lived there, need to look him up.
Rode over a couple of really long bridges, sign says “ check fuel ,long bridge ahead.” And arrived at a very busy and commercialized beach. We stopped in a bar/restaurant and took seats right on the beach, I had a dozen raw oysters for the first time in a long time…sure were good. After sitting for awhile I decided that a tattoo was in order, James and I rode downtown and found a tattoo parlor and went inside, James was to sunburned but my guy said let’s do it so at age 49 I am the proud new owner of a tattoo. Got Melissa and Trevor’s names plus a feather, I think
it came out really good.
We found the rest of the gang at the restaurant and had a good dinner, one of the highlights of the day is watching the contest for who gets the couch in the motor home and who the 2 are that have to sleep on the floor, rock paper scissors, James has won the most so Shan and Ennis are on the floor. I rode around and finally found a hotel with a vacancy. I am not going to sleep on the floor of a motor home for my vacation; a hotel is roughing it enough for me.

Pensacola to Destin

I caught up with the motor home crew and they had decided that Panama was too far and we were going to stay in Destin, sky was threatening rain and frankly I was a little tired so a short ride and a day at the beach was welcome. We arrived had lunch and found a RV park, I found a hotel close by and about the time I got settled In the rains came..oh well I did some laundry and caught up on some work, spent a bit of time with the maint folks in Dallas on the phone trying to get the jet ready for pickup. Did some shopping at a nearby shop and had a coffee at a coffee house across the street, all in all a very relaxing day even took a much needed nap.
Later we all went shopping and to dinner at hooters, Florida is the place where hooters started and yet the waitresses were far from what we expected. Food was ok, company and laughter was very good.

Destin fl to Tupelo MS

Off to Tupelo and to see the boyhood home of Elvis, very pretty riding, small towns and historical buildings, if you look around in the south you will see a very strong patriotic spirit, aircraft and tanks, military hardware on display, lots of folks just sitting and talking, maybe we all need to slow down a little discover and enjoy the wealth in the friends we have. We had a good lunch at the waffle house and departed, there was a little mix up on the road signs and we were on the interstate, if you gotta ride the interstate you might as well make some time, really nothing pretty to look at. The cars were going a bunch faster than us and were weaving in and out like crazy, james and I just picked up the pace to maintain the flow of traffic and we lost Ennis and Shan, we stopped a bit later to let them catch up but it was too late, they were pissed at us and we got an ass chewing. Oh well!!!!!!
Arrived in tupelo late afternoon and promptly got lost(I was leading the pack< any wonder we were lost?) We stopped at a store and asked a young lady where we were and where was a good restaurant, she gave us directions and left, a few minutes later she returned and offered to guide us to the right areas. Very nice of her. We had a good steak dinner and the waiter told us about Tunica MS casino, we decided to ride to the area, I called and got a very nice room at the Horseshoe, won enough for the room at the craps table. Rained all night, glad we were in for the night we missed riding in the rain so far everywhere we have been. There has been flooding and heavy rain but we are lucky, no rain on us.

memphis to hot springs

I rode to Graceland and met the rest of the crew, Graceland was very cool, all the displays were of the skinny Elvis, no fat Elvis at all, he was a very cheesy guy and his taste in décor was not to my liking but to each his own.
We toured the car museum and took some pictures. Next we were off to Beal st and the Peabody hotel to see the ducks, Beal st was very neat, lots of old shops and you can just feel the history, we had a hamburger in a 100 year old restaurant and the menu says they have been using the same”ageless” grease since 1912, hope I don’t get the crud from it. It was good but not Zesto good. I need to bring Jackie and Melissa up here soon.
Seeing ducks in the lobby of a fancy hotel was neat, they just walk around as they please and swim in the fountain. Finally found a starbucks and had a latte. By the time I got my coffee the gang had returned to the motor home, looks like we are off to the next stop.
Memphis to hot springs, Day 7
Stopped for dinner in little rock and had a huge burrito, ,plans were made to continue on to Hot Springs, nice ride through the mountains, very scenic, when we arrived in Hot Springs Shan had a phone call waiting….whoops he had the keys to the motor home in his pocket, so off he went back to little rock to take jerry the keys, 1 hour each way so James ,Ennis and I rode around hot springs bath house row and historic downtown, very pretty and old, stopped and got a drink from the hot spring, tasted like regular water to me but it is supposed to have magic powers. I looked at a couple of cheap hotel rooms and decided to not be cheap and stay at a place that at least tried to clean the room. The RV Park was right across the street so we got the Motor home settled and called it a night.
Next morning off to granny’s restaurant for the best breakfast I have had in a long time. We did a little shopping and then met jerry at the Gangster Museum, Would never have guessed that Arkansas was such a hotbed of criminal activity. The museum was ok and we wanted to tour the wax museum but it was flooded, seems that every where that we went or had gone was experiencing flooding of some kind but we stayed dry . The duck tour on the duck boat was too expensive for the clan so we skipped it,
Decision was made to ride to the next town to lessen the ride on the last day so off to Arkadelphia we went and on to Texarkana for the night. I will defiantly take another trip to hot Springs to sit in the mineral bath and to do some shopping on central drive.

Texarkana to home

The guys met me at the Marriott for the final breakfast and off we were to home, me heading north to Ada alone and them west and south as a group, the buffet was good and we said good bye. Nice ride along the small back roads, very peaceful. I was watching the sky because it was supposed to rain and thunderstorm; I was hoping that I made it home before any bad weather. I was riding along engrossed in my thoughts when I felt a few rain drops.. No biggie, I can handle a light shower. It stopped almost as soon as it started. A little while later the truck I was following must have hit some mud and splattered me and the rain also started again, heavier this time but it started and stopped within about 30 seconds, just about then I figured it out. It was not raining and there was no mud, I caught a whiff and broke out of the little trance I was in to discover that I was following a cattle truck, you can guess what the rain and mud I was feeling was, I must have looked really funny riding along laughing so hard I was about to pee my pants. Bad ass bikers are not supposed to ride along with a big smile and laugh all the time, guess I’ll never fit that mold. It was very good to get home and see my sweeties, I missed them a bunch, even happy to see the useless mutt and Kachina (the puppies ). All in all a good trip, 8 states, 2363 miles and more smiles and laughs than I can count